


Catharsis, I'll be (OK)

by I_Met_A_Girl



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arthur Pendragon Returns (Merlin), Catharsis, Comforting Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Crying, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Modern Era, Post-Canon, Resurrection, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:48:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24351607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Met_A_Girl/pseuds/I_Met_A_Girl
Summary: Three stories of post-canon and of Merlin dealing with emotional turmoil when he really does not know howPart 1:When Arthur came back, Merlin cried for a weekIf anything, taking care of Merlin grounded Arthur in this overwhelming new world anyways.Part 2:Flashback to the days, months, and years directly after Camlan.Part 3:Return to present day. The one that is only fluff and the mystical ideal known as "ok."
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 22
Kudos: 177





	1. Chapter 1

When Arthur came back, Merlin cried for a week.

It was basically nonstop. He went through several rolls of toilet paper, littering the floors with snotty, tear stained piles. He did not once change out of his pajamas and alternated between lying on his bed and sitting curled up on the floor. 

Arthur let him.  
What was he going to say? “I know you’re going through stuff, but why don’t you think about ME and MY needs, Merlin”? 

Besides, taking care of Merlin grounded him in an odd way. He found the cup cabinet and figured out the faucet on the first half of the second day when it occurred to him if Merlin keeps going at this, he’ll end up dehydrated in no time. Later that same day, he determined it is also up to him to get Merlin to eat. When he brought this up, Merlin scrambled to his feet, wiping his tears with sniffling apologies and tried cooking them both some mac n cheese only to collapse at the knees halfway through, sobbing on the floor once more. 

Sometimes Merlin ran out of tears. But that didn’t mean he was done crying. These hours were mainly him staring ahead in silence and maybe every once in a while looking at his phone. Arthur had no way of understanding anything about a smart phone whatsoever, but after the first time he watched Merlin sullenly order them pizza from UberEats, he learned to copy that process. Merlin ordered ice cream every time. 

For the most part, they didn’t talk. Arthur sat in the same room as him, let him know he was there. But sometimes they did talk, though it was never exactly a productive conversation. More like, through sobs Merlin rattled off all sorts of confessions that were as impassioned as they were unintelligible. Sometimes Arthur sat next to him. Would put a hand on Merlins shoulder. Rub his back as his dry heaved. Hug him, rarely. He indulged Merlin’s touches as well, understanding the need behind checking if Arthur is breathing, checking his pulse, just checking that he’s just there at all. 

Merlin cried a lot that week. Arthur cried, too. Next to Merlin’s loud heaves, in the dim existence of an evening with the shades drawn and the 4AMs with only the light of Merlin’s charging phone, Arthur was able to silently cry.

On the sixth day on Arthur’s return, Merlin flopped down, his head in Arthur’s lap. He looked up, his eyes dry, and red, and scratchy, but clear, and he said, “Do you want to go out for Chinese food?” 

Arthur ran his fingers through Merlin’s hair and smiled down at him with deep relief.

“Ok.”


	2. When Things Weren't Ok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Way back when Arthur first died, Merlin had a lot of emotions ready to get out then, too. Mostly anger - can you blame him? It's just too bad he took it out on the people he loves  
> TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal Merlin, Merlin being a mean and unjust

Merlin seemed pretty normal for a few days after... after. Well no one was _normal_ , but. The point is the shock wore off. After which, he spent two months trying to kill himself. If Freya would not give him back that sword no matter how much he yelled, then he would drown in the lake himself. It didn't work. Nothing did, but he kept trying. On and on for two months, it was the new normal to find Merlin in situations Giaus did not want to recount, a single-minded determination from which he could not be shaken and a bitter resentment of his failures, and every day the old man's heart was broken anew while he blamed himself. Maybe if he hadn't used "for Arthur" as the excuse to make Merlin see logic all those times. Maybe if he had sent the boy home to his mother, had said from the get-go that he can't take responsibility for him. Maybe if he had just checked in a bit more, been a bit better, spent more time, scolded him more - or less - or something. There had to have been something. 

"Merlin, please," Gwen would beg in the beginnings of it. "Don't shut us out. We love you." 

He wouldn't respond at all, merely shake off her grip on his arm and continue tying his noose.

But Gwen, she had a kingdom to run. Multiple kingdoms to run! To oversee, _in the midst of a war._ So forgive her if in fast order her pleas became, "Don't you see what you're doing to Giaus? All these years I've known you, Merlin, I never thought you to be _selfish_!" 

"I'm done hiding my feelings to stave the pain of others, Gwen," was all she'd get in response. And it wasn't empty, and it wasn't cold. It was angry. 

Merlin was so, so angry. He couldn't even pinpoint which piece he was angry about he was just angry. He was so angry, it was all in him, and he didn't know how to get it out. There was no way to get it out. He could try as much as he liked, but nothing would - it stayed in his chest and in his hands and he _hated_ \- he hated without direction. There was nothing he could do, but sure did it piss him off even more when someone else thought they could do something. 

"You weren't the only one who lost someone, so stop acting as if you are!"

A sting went up Gwen's body, a burning shock that made her remove her hand. And to look in Merlin's eyes, they betrayed no regret over the action. "I don't pretend to know what you lost." If anything, his shoulders loosened once she had pulled fully away. "Don't pretend to know what I lost."

...

Someone called his mom. 

" **WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT?** " he screamed at top volume, the sound amplified by the high ceilings and stone walls. The empty throne room. ~~People are there, but it's empty.~~ " **You think I want my mother to see me like this?** " He stalked up to Gwen specifically, so sure it was her, whether it was or not. "You're a hypocrite, Gwen. After all that about how seeing me this way hurts Giaus, you'd bring my mother here to guilt me further? Did you ever think about what that would do to her?" Blood and bruises were smeared across his body, he hadn't eaten, he hadn't slept, he knows what he looks like, he knows what that would do to his mother. He hadn't gone to cry to her for a reason. "I've always sided with you, Gwen, haven't I? Through everything you've done -and don't think I've forgotten any of it!- through everything you'd done I always thought deep down you were kind and good and worthy of _him-_ Was I wrong?"

He found a sword to his throat at that, and tore his eyes from Gwen to follow the blade to its owner. "That's enough, Merlin." 

"Why, what are _you_ going to do about it, _Leon_?" Merlin spat. He leaned into the blade rather than being barred. "You gonna execute me for treason of all things? Get a pyre going real warm and toasty? You don't have the guts!"

"Sir Leon." Leon stood down at Gwen's voice. She glared up at Merlin, hate in her eyes. "You're only giving him what he wants."

...

The only person Merlin would willingly talk to was Percy. Percy was angry just like him. They'd sit and get drunk and be angry together. "So what about you?" Merlin would exclaim with a gesture, "You got no ties to Camelot any more. Lance is dead." Percy would nod along as Merlin listed. "Gwaine is dead. Elyan is dead. Arthur's dead. You got no family here. Leon and Gwennie want to just mOvE fOrWaRd. What's keeping you here?"

Percy would lay his head on the table and think to himself that what Merlin says is right. He came here for Lance and stayed for all his other friends. Now they're ALL dead, except Leon, who acts like he may as well be dead. Percy has a lot of angry rants about Leon, and Merlin listens to them, punctuates them with a lot of "Yeah!"s and "You get it!"s and "Who gave him the right?"s. Merlin asking why he's staying around is...

"I dunno," he'd answer. And then always: "Why do you stay?"

"Can't think of anywhere else to go, I guess," Merlin would answer with crossed arms and an averted gaze.

And Percy would pick up more alcohol and say, "Same." Their real reasons, if they had any, would never be said aloud. 

...

Furthermore, no one could stop Merlin from doing magic. 

Why hide it? He wants to die; he can't die. He'd hide it for Arthur; Arthur's gone. The castle would just have to get used to Merlin's bitter forcefields and open research, to messes being cleaned with a wave of a hand and to would-be enemies collapsing in unknowable pain and... most of it just went unspoken. Giaus and Gwen once conspired, held a private conversation, to discuss the growing possibility of Merlin becoming another Morgana. 

And then one day Merlin was just gone. 

It was another two years until he came back, returned as tracelessly as he left, because he heard Giaus was on his deathbed. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you." He stayed til the end, holding his father's hand, and once the life was gone, so was Merlin. He'd come back periodically from then on, for visits, and always to say goodbye to the next friend taken by time and not circumstance. 


	3. Part 1 of Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> UberEats AND the Dominos app, ok? Just work with me. This will be more fun if you work with me

"Oh darn," Riley says when she sees the order. She calls louder to the back. "Hey, it's THAT house!"

"What?" Girly voice, so Ashely. 

"The Sad House?" That one was Ryan. 

"Yeah, the Sad House," Riley confirms, raising her voice over the noise. 

The Sad House wasn't a house but it was an apartment that was part of a town house, so close enough by city standards. It was named that way because this one specific Dominos had gotten an online order from them like fourteen times in one week alone, and every time the door was answered by a nervous-looking blond man who wouldn't return any greetings or a shrimpy brunet who was always - ALWAYS - sobbing. With just a cursory glance in the doorway, you could tell the place was covered in used tissues. Of course, the employees couldn't _ask,_ and none of them particularly _wanted_ to... But it was weird. Weird enough to get a nickname. 

"Did they order ice cream again?" asked Ryan, checking to see that it was only a pizza being loaded up. 

"No, I think they forgot," answered Riley. "Think we should add it on?"

"Nah." Ashley could only half hear the conversation from the register, but she was still involved. "If they turn it down after all, it might melt on your bike." Riley cringed. That was a good point. No ice cream then. Just their Cry pizza. 

"Aren't you curious?" she asks Ashely. Ashley shrugs. 

"I find it more painfully, painfully second-hand embarrassing and awkward," is Ryan's input. "Thankfully, _I'm_ not on delivery duty right now."

The nervous-looking blond who never returns greetings answers the door with a winning smile that fantastically blinds Riley. "Oh, hey, thanks." He takes the boxes from her hands and carries on past her shocked expression as if talking is just something he does now. "I tipped through the app. That's been getting through, right?" He doesn't wait for her answer to turn his head inside the door and yell, " _Mer_ lin! Pizza's here!" That's the name that's always attached to the order, a Mastercard under the name Emory Merlin. There's a shuffle and a bang and the sound of a dozen fratboys running only for it to be one guy: the crying twig. 

Except he is smiling and alive-looking and now that Riley is looking he's actually pretty cute - _okholdyourselftogether-_ "What did you order?"

"One plain cheese and one meatlover's special." 

"You got two pizzas?"

"Do you have a problem with that?"

Riley peers her head in the doorframe and sees that the entire place has been cleaned.

"Are you really going to eat all that?" the smiling? twig jibbed and poked the silent? blond in the stomach. 

The blond smacked his hand away and looked mock-offended at the implication. "You have a refrigerator, don't you?" 

"Um," Riley spoke up. They both look down at her as if embarrassed they forget she's here.

"I'll grab my wallet -" the cryi- _Emory_ says. 

"No, no he payed through the app," Riley clarifies. "I just want to say, um, good job to you guys. I'm happy for you." 

She retreats with the rest of her orders, preparing in her head how to best dramatize to the others that the Sad House is now a Normal Roommates house. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work is no longer finished

**Author's Note:**

> Should I be working on my two WIPs for this fandom instead of writing this at 4:30am? NO! I should be doing my actual schoolwork!  
> Idk what to say, guys. This was just pulled out of me and I think I'm glad it was but we'll see my embarassment level after some sleep


End file.
